Have you heard of the "Yes Man" movie starring Jim Carrey? The plot is simple, a man who has a habit of saying "no" to everything in his life after meeting an inspirational guru, vows to say "yes" to every opportunity or request that comes his way. Hilarity of course follows as the domino effect occurs he follows this vow. What comes across as entertaining in a movie, is actually the disastrous reality for quite a few people. In the past, the same applied to me.
In our culture and world today, success often times is seen as a person that says "Yes!" and has no limit to how much they can juggle and complete successfully. It is no longer just enough to be good at a couple things, there is pressure to do everything well and go above and beyond what is expected. You not only have to be an excellent, productive employee. You have to be an excellent parent, an loving/devoted spouse, keep your health up, make it to the gym, provide homemade treats to your kid's daycare class or a friend's party, say yes to all good causes, never have a bad hairday, never get upset or feel worn out, give to charity, be an excellent host, always have enough money to provide for your needs as well as keeping up with the Jones', and all the other demands our lives have on them. There is never a point where enough is enough. You can never say no, because then you will show that you are human and have limitations on strength and energy. You can't ask for help, because that would show weakness and that you don't have it all together. The benchmark for a successful day/life is constantly moved. Which is why a lot of people chase this dream of once I can become this image of what I see as success, I will be happy. And why it fails. Every. Single. Time. We have become a world of overworked, overcommitted, overstressed chickens with our heads cut off. Moving through life like zombies running from one event and commitment to another.
You may ask, "Rebecca, are you anti involvement/production? Are you telling us to just quit everything and become lazy bums?" Absolutely not. I lead a full and happy life. Both personally and professionally with many interests, friends and social engagements. I have goals that I work on to better myself in all areas of my life everyday: emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, relationally and professionally. I am an involved person and prefer to be that way. What I am addressing is how to balance your life to focus on the things that matter and spend your time on quality vs. quantity. And how to protect yourself from falling into the trap of becoming a "Yes Man".
So many times, people ignore that small internal voice telling them when they have reached their healthy limits of stress, involvement, stimulation and interaction with others. They ignore this self care red flag and proceed to continue in whatever it is that is overloading them. Then they wonder once they reach a point of meltdown or anger or sickness why they feel the way they do. The solution to this is simple, we must:
1) Realize that we are not God, and therefore have human limits to everything we do in life. That you are not weak or bad or a failure for having limits. You are human.
2) Recognize internal patterns and limits that you have that regulate how much you can handle. This will change throughout time as your life changes. Constant mindfulness and evaluation of your internal status is imperative.
3) Make a list of your priorities in three columns:
A) Have to Do (Non-negotiable must be completed, i.e. work, spending time with spouse)
B) Can be Flexible (i.e. Work-out plans, social plans)
C) Need a change so it's not something I need to do anymore (i.e. I don't have time or energy to clean my house, so I am going to hire a cleaning lady to come 2x/month)
3) Set up your weekly schedule with limits on how many times a week you can handle different responsibilities. Make sure to schedule blocks of time for rest and fun. I personally make sure I only schedule 2 week night commitments and only 1-2 events on the weekend to ensure that I have enough time to rest and recollect. I also need time to do my standard weekly schedule of a 40 hour work week, 5-6 days of 1-2 hours in the gym. Cleaning, cooking and shopping as well are non-negotiable items I have to do. As well as having enough rest, especially on Friday night to Saturday morning.
4) Learn to be a "No Man"when you need to protect your blocks of time for rest and relief. It's much better to decline upfront, then to cancel later on. If people in your life cannot understand or support you being mindful and wise with your time and commitments, then you may want to evaluate how true friends they are, and if they are a positive enough influence in your life to continue ivestment into the relationship.
5) Learn to mindfully understand, listen to and follow that internal voice that tells you when you are at 50%, 75% and 99.9999% at your tolerance threshold. And that it's ok to change or redo your plan, because what you originally had planned isn't working.
Once you focus on concentrating your energy and efforts towards the things that really matter to you it is a great change that happens. You will feel happy and refreshed while doing them because you have become a "No Man" to things that distract or drain your energy. You will know in advance what commitments you can agree to so that you can be a more dependable, responsible person. You have to be your own best friend and protector when it comes to managing your commitments, time and energy. And when you do become that, you will find that you will be much happier and have a higher quality of life. And who doesn't want that?
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