I have a confession....

Juicy title, right? Well, to be honest I do. I have been extremely mean to someone. And that someone is me.  Does this confession sound familiar? Join the choir, I think way too many of us don't practice self-love or self-care the way we should.  Self-care is something I will write about in great detail and many topics in the future.  However, right now I want to focus on self-love which is a current area of focus for myself.

If you played a recording of your inner thoughts regarding yourself, what would it sound like? Would you sound like that of your best friend or your worst enemy?  For the majority, it's probably the latter.  Why is this? Why do we chose to let the person who we spend the most time (24/7) with in our lives treat us this way?  Would you let you spouse, partner, children, parents, friends, boss, coworkers or anyone else speak to you the way we do? No. Absolutely not. If we didn't immediately yell in their face about them being a jerk, we'd probably leave the situation and that person never to return again without a sincere apology. Sometimes not even with a sincere apology would we let that person interact with us again. So, how come so many us abuse ourselves with negative self-talk? And more importantly, how can we stop?


To answer these questions, I would like to share my own experience with the negative self talk I experienced only yesterday.  For the purpose of this blog, we shall refer to this negative self talk as "Hildegarde" my worst mortal enemy (Side note: Picturing my negative self talk as an ugly, nasty person with the name of Hildegarde makes it easier to visualize combating against it... try it, it helps!).  For the purpose of full disclosure, I struggle and have for years with emotional, compulsive eating.  Which is a big reason, I got quite "plump" in junior high and high school. I struggled socially in my cliquey school and basically ate my emotions.  It provided a distraction and instant physical comfort.  Now, compulsive/emotional eating is another topic I will discuss at another time, but it gives the background on my experience for this post.  Now, as an adult I have gotten much better at managing my eating impulses, weight, health and working out.  If I hadn't I'd probably be close to 350 lbs at this time, no joke! However, every now and then old habits pop up and I overindulge instead of listening to my satisfaction hunger level cues like I've trained myself to do. Now overindulging looks like an extra 1/2 cup to 1 cup of ice cream instead of trying to conquer an entire half gallon. However, even when this happens rarely, it doesn't stop Hildegard from creeping around the corner and saying things like "you're a failure", "why do you even try if you keep messing up", "you're going to get ugly and super fat", "who would like your body", "you're a pig", "you must be really messed up if you can handle the terrible things you've had in  your life before and you can't you even control this very simple concept of stopping when you've had enough food?" and finally "you'll never ever be successful at your goals" etc.  And this is exactly what Hildegarde was playing over and over again in my head yesterday when I was in the group gym class.  I was also surrounded by mirrors and other skinnier women, which didn't help quiet Hildegarde at all.  When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see the kind, talented, beautiful, smart and loved person I am. I saw my arms which weren't toned enough, my waist which wasn't slim enough and my thighs which were too thick and my booty which wasn't popping enough.  Basically, my self-worth and opinion of myself came down to a superficial measurement of body size which is exactly where Hildegarde wanted me to do.  Basically, I was at a really down point mentally for the day. I felt like quitting and crying.

Now, here comes the 2nd half of my story for the day which is "how to stop Hildegarde".  In  a short sentence it came down to two things: Mindfulness and action. 1) I mindfully acknowledge the presence of Hildegarde and the insults she was throwing at me. 2) I told her that she was no longer welcome with her lies. 3) I replaced her voice with my own saying the opposite of everything she was telling me.  Immediately, once I did those things I felt immediately better.  Even though, Hildegarde may still try to invade my life and steal my self-worth several times a day, I have a weapon to succeed against her each time. So remember, the next time Hildegarde or another ogre tries to invade and steal your self-worth to mindfully acknowledge, tell them they are no longer welcome, and replace their voice with the truth of your own.

When has Hildegarde or her family tried to invade your life and what have your done to combat them successfully?  Would love to hear from you!

The Beginning

Whenever you typically hear someone mention mindfulness you might think of a yogi meditating for hours in nothing but nature. The person who has reached such a state of understanding that they no longer struggle with emotions, feelings, or impulses.  However this is not the case. 

Mindfulness is defined as the following:

1.

the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

"their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"

2.

a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique

 

Or more simply put, it is the moment in which you pause to consider your thoughts, feelings and repercussions before making an action.  It is with this definition that I perceive and try to structure my life to being mindful as much as possible. 

 

This is not my first journey into the blogosphere space.  I was first inspired to write and share my thoughts and experience when encountering a personal tragedy in the fall and summer of 2011.  You can read more about that learning experience here.  I also ran a group blog for an educational trip to western India in Winter 2013. You can also read about that here. After I felt that I had fulfilled and wrote all I needed to write on those subjects, I stopped blogging for over two years.  I felt that I needed to wait until I walked through more of life and learned more before sharing more about my journey, my failures/successes, and the pursuit of what I now know as to be mindfulness.  The purpose of this blog is to be real with my thoughts, learning, experiences, failures and successes.  It is my hope that through what I have learned and experienced, that it might inspire or help at least one person. 

 

The pursuit of balance and mindfulness enters every crevice of my life: emotional, spiritual, physical, relational and professional.  So as I am forming this blog around the pinnacle of mindfulness, there will be a variety of topics that I discuss that mindfulness does relate to in the way they are handled and experienced.  I look forward of sharing my past, present and future journey with you.