Life Partner Choices: A former recruiter’s view on choosing the winning candidate

                                                                                     

                        

As many of you know, I was a recruiter for almost a year and a half before I switched companies. Human Resources is my career path in corporate America for the time being.  During the year and a half before I came to the job and company I love today, I spent the first portion of my career being an I.T. recruiter (aka “Professional Nerd Stalker), it was very fast paced environment, with a lot of stress/pressure that quickly burnt out the many young professionals that joined my former employer.  Within the year and four months I worked there, I saw over 20 people come and go.  In my opinion, the infrastructure of a churn and burn type of employer is not a good set up. For many reason, including the hiring and training new employees is a huge cost to employers.  But I digress, that is a topic for another day!

While, my job was stressful and did eventually burn me out; I did learn some valuable tools about how to find, select and interview prospective candidates for a job requisition we received from a client.  One of the biggest keys in being a successful recruiter is being able to recognize the key skills and attributes that a candidate and the job requisition(s) bring to the table, the pros/cons of both the candidate and the requisition and finally how well of a fit each are for each other.  There is no such thing as a perfect candidate or perfect job, however the closer you can get to an ideal fit the better.  The employer and the employee will eventually be happier and more strongly committed. Resulting in lower turnover and long term employment.  A win-win situation for all parties involved. 

It may seem cliché, however I believe the same strategy can be used for selecting or dating and eventual future spouses/life partners.  The better fit both you and your potential partner are, the more successful relationship and “contract” you will have for a long term commitment and satisfaction.  In western culture, we overemphasize in my opinion “following your heart” and if you just love someone you can make anything work.  In traditional eastern culture, the opposite seems to be emphasized as in the case of arranged marriages. Where the family presents a potential marriage partner on a number of criteria. From their physical appearance, education level, current job status, income level, family status, and a number of other things.  To be successful at a relationship, I believe you need to find a middle ground between the two philosophies.  To utilize logic while selecting someone that you feel attracted to is the ideal way to go, as I have found after making my mistakes in relationships.

Naturally, I err towards being emotionally dominant and impulsive. When I was younger, if I felt a certain way I would base my actions off of those feelings.  As you can probably guess, this ended up in nothing less than a couple disastrous situations that took quite a while to figure out.  Once I figured out that living mindfully, thinking about the possible results of my actions, and choosing the wisest action did life become simpler and more successful.  In the arena of dating, I realized that making a list of my requirements for my spouse and getting to know the potential candidates that I was attracted to through understanding how they compared to my requirements was the easiest way to be efficient and not waste precious time on a situation that it wasn’t going to work out.  As in a job hiring and candidate situation, while one person loves a fast pace competitive job, another might thrive in a stable, calmer environment.  Just because a job or candidate won’t fit each other, doesn’t mean that either are bad.  But they just aren’t good for each other. When evaluating a person in the fit for your life I would suggest making your list into three sections:

1. Must Have

2. Must NOT Have

3. Negotiable

These sections must be completely decided for you by yourself. It is not your parents, best friends or anyone else’s list.  Then evaluate anyone you are interested by this list.  As you age, you might find that the list changes. That is fine.  We change, grow and flow as we age.  The most important thing is that you are honest with yourself with what traits and life choices makes you happy, what does not and what you are ambiguous or flexible with.  The more you can ideally match a potential marriage or life partner with your personal lists, the higher the likelihood for long term satisfaction and loyalty is possible. On the flipside, you need to understand what their personal list is as well to see if you are a good match for them as well.  It takes two to tango as they say!

If you aren’t convinced, here are some compelling reasons why matching your partner as much as possible is important for your life and satisfaction:

•   Divorce is a huge problem in the United States, with a 40-50% rate of all marriages. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher. 
• 23% of families in America are single parent families with children under the age of 18.
•  Children from divorced families are more likely to have academic, behavioral, and psychological problems than children from non-divorced families. 
•  Average cost of a divorce in the U.S. range from $15,000 to $30,000. Matrimonial law work is currently a staggering $28 billion a year industry 
• Top reasons for divorce: 
•  Financial Problems
• Young Age
• Less education

I am getting married this year to my best friend, partner and love of my life.  Neither of us are perfect individuals, but we love each other and are well matched via our own personal requirements, goals and ideals.  It is a huge goal of mine to have him and my future family as a priority and to divorce proof our relationship from the beginning. As a soon to be newlywed, we are going through a lot of process of learning how to combine our lives.  From living together, to budgeting finances, to family holidays. It all is a learning, fluid and new process.  We also are taking financial classes, pre-marital counseling and making sure to keep up our quality time together.  Five months away from the wedding, it is very easy to get caught up in the everyday hustle and bustle of life and just rush through things.  To get caught up in planning the largest and most expensive day of our lives and not spend as much time investing in the actual relationship we plan to be in until “death does us part.”  While the wedding is a wonderful event and the symbolic joining of two becoming one, it is way more important to be building the solid foundation that a marriage is based on for the next 50+ years. I look forward to hopefully having that, enjoying the best gift God has given to us.

"No Man": Why being a "Yes Man" is ruining your happiness.

Have you heard of the "Yes Man" movie starring Jim Carrey?  The plot is simple, a man who has a habit of saying "no" to everything in his life after meeting an inspirational guru, vows to say "yes" to every opportunity or request that comes his way.  Hilarity of course follows as the domino effect occurs he follows this vow.  What comes across as entertaining in a movie, is actually the disastrous reality for quite a few people. In the past, the same applied to me.

In our culture and world today, success often times is seen as a person that says "Yes!" and has no limit to how much they can juggle and complete successfully.  It is no longer just enough to be good at a couple things, there is pressure to do everything well and go above and beyond what is expected. You not only have to be an excellent, productive employee. You have to be an excellent parent, an loving/devoted spouse, keep your health up, make it to the gym, provide homemade treats to your kid's daycare class or a friend's party, say yes to all good causes, never have a bad hairday, never get upset or feel worn out, give to charity, be an excellent host, always have enough money to provide for your needs as well as keeping up with the Jones', and all the other demands our lives have on them. There is never a point where enough is enough. You can never say no, because then you will show that you are human and have limitations on strength and energy. You can't ask for help, because that would show weakness and that you don't have it all together.  The benchmark for a successful day/life is constantly moved.  Which is why a lot of people chase this dream of once I can become this image of what I see as success, I will be happy.  And why it fails. Every. Single. Time. We have become a world of overworked, overcommitted,  overstressed chickens with our heads cut off. Moving through life like zombies running from one event and commitment to another.

You may ask, "Rebecca, are you anti involvement/production? Are you telling us to just quit everything and become lazy bums?" Absolutely not. I lead a full and happy life. Both personally and professionally with many interests, friends and social engagements. I have goals that I work on to better myself in all areas of my life everyday: emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, relationally and professionally. I am an involved person and prefer to be that way. What I am addressing is how to balance your life to focus on the things that matter and spend your time on quality vs. quantity. And how to protect yourself from falling into the trap of becoming a "Yes Man".

So many times, people ignore that small internal voice telling them when they have reached their healthy limits of stress, involvement, stimulation and interaction with others.  They ignore this self care red flag and proceed to continue in whatever it is that is overloading them.  Then they wonder once they reach a point of meltdown or anger or sickness why they feel the way they do.  The solution to this is simple, we must:

1) Realize that we are not God, and therefore have human limits to everything we do in life. That you are not weak or bad or a failure for having limits. You are human.

2) Recognize internal patterns and limits that you have that regulate how much you can handle. This will change throughout time as your life changes. Constant mindfulness and evaluation of  your internal status is imperative.

3) Make a list of your priorities in three columns:
A) Have to Do (Non-negotiable must be completed, i.e. work, spending time with spouse)
B) Can be Flexible (i.e. Work-out plans, social plans)
C) Need a change so it's not something I need to do anymore (i.e. I don't have time or energy to clean my house, so I am going to hire a cleaning lady to come 2x/month)

3) Set up your weekly schedule with limits on how many times a week you can handle different responsibilities. Make sure to schedule blocks of time for rest and fun. I personally make sure I only schedule 2 week night commitments and only 1-2 events on the weekend to ensure that I have enough time to rest and recollect.  I also need time to do my standard weekly schedule of a 40 hour work week, 5-6 days of 1-2 hours in the gym.  Cleaning, cooking and shopping as well are non-negotiable items I have to do.  As well as having enough rest, especially on Friday night to Saturday morning.

4) Learn to be a "No Man"when you need to protect your blocks of time for rest and relief.  It's much better to decline upfront, then to cancel later on. If people in your life cannot understand or  support you being mindful and wise with your time and commitments, then you may want to evaluate how true friends they are, and if they are a positive enough influence in your life to continue ivestment into the relationship.

5) Learn to mindfully understand, listen to and follow that internal voice that tells you when you are at 50%, 75% and 99.9999% at your tolerance threshold. And that it's ok to change or redo your plan, because what you originally had planned isn't working.

Once you focus on concentrating your energy and efforts towards the things that really matter to you it is a great change that happens. You will feel happy and refreshed while doing them because you have become a "No Man" to things that distract or drain your energy. You will know in advance what commitments you can agree to so that you can be a more dependable, responsible person.  You have to be your own best friend and protector when it comes to managing your commitments, time and energy.  And when you do become that, you will find that you will be much happier and have a higher quality of life.  And who doesn't want that?

Attitude of Gratitude

If you grew up like me, you were reminded constantly to always be thankful for whatever you had and was given. Anytime a birthday or Christmas gift came, the name of the giver and the gift description was written down. Within a week or two, a thank-you note was sent per my Mother's instructions.   As a 6 years old, I didn't really understand why the tedious task of writing 20+ painstakingly handwritten notes were necessary for every little gift I received.  However, despite my protesting, Mom's preference won out in the end and I became as much as you can at the age of 6 a competent and high producing thank-you note writer.  That example and guidance from Mom translated into a life long habit of sending thank you notes, texts or emails.  In a nutshell, I have learned to give credit where credit is due.  As well as having a mindset of thankfulness and reciprocity whenever I am given something. 

I have noticed that this attitude of gratitude is usually focused towards the material items human beings give us instead of the blessings we have before us in our life.  It is more of a social construct and expectation then a mindfulness practice.  Very rarely do individuals take time to focus on what blessings they have and what has been improved in their lives. There at times to be way to be upset, anxious or disappointed in. We too often take for granted all the wonderful things we take part in everyday and that life could be much worse then it already is. Today, during my daily meditation practice I was focusing on gratitude and one thing I was thankful for that I did yesterday.  I meditated on a good conversation I had with a loved one about something that was bothering her and how I was able to positively affect her life by listening wholeheartedly and give the best advice I could for the resolution of her problem.  I was grateful for this person in my life who had given me the opportunity to reach out and touch the world around me. On completion of my meditation session, I realized that I felt intrinsically more at peace and happier then I did when I had started my day. Those 5-10 minutes of gratitude meditation positively affected my entire outlook on the day. My coffee seemed sweeter, my interactions with co-workers were more pleasant and internally I felt more collected and calm. It's amazing what a small investment of time to yourself can do to upgrade the rest of your day.

Still not convinced to add gratitude into your mindfulness practice?   According to the article "Why Gratitude Enhances Well-Being: What We Know, What We Need To Know" by Robert A. Emmons and Anjali Mishra at the University of California-Davis the benefits of gratitude are staggering:

1. Facilitates coping with stress
2. Reduces toxic emotions resulting from self and social comparisons
3. Reduces materialistic strivings
4. Improves self-esteem
5. Enhances accessibility to positive memories
6. Builds social resources
7. Motivates moral behavior
8. Encourages spiritual mindfulness
9. Facilitates goal attainment
10. Promotes physical health

Who wouldn't want all 10 of these in their life?  If they didn't motivate you to focus on at least one thing you're thankful for each day, then I don't know what will. What are you thankful for today? I would love to hear!

I have a confession....

Juicy title, right? Well, to be honest I do. I have been extremely mean to someone. And that someone is me.  Does this confession sound familiar? Join the choir, I think way too many of us don't practice self-love or self-care the way we should.  Self-care is something I will write about in great detail and many topics in the future.  However, right now I want to focus on self-love which is a current area of focus for myself.

If you played a recording of your inner thoughts regarding yourself, what would it sound like? Would you sound like that of your best friend or your worst enemy?  For the majority, it's probably the latter.  Why is this? Why do we chose to let the person who we spend the most time (24/7) with in our lives treat us this way?  Would you let you spouse, partner, children, parents, friends, boss, coworkers or anyone else speak to you the way we do? No. Absolutely not. If we didn't immediately yell in their face about them being a jerk, we'd probably leave the situation and that person never to return again without a sincere apology. Sometimes not even with a sincere apology would we let that person interact with us again. So, how come so many us abuse ourselves with negative self-talk? And more importantly, how can we stop?


To answer these questions, I would like to share my own experience with the negative self talk I experienced only yesterday.  For the purpose of this blog, we shall refer to this negative self talk as "Hildegarde" my worst mortal enemy (Side note: Picturing my negative self talk as an ugly, nasty person with the name of Hildegarde makes it easier to visualize combating against it... try it, it helps!).  For the purpose of full disclosure, I struggle and have for years with emotional, compulsive eating.  Which is a big reason, I got quite "plump" in junior high and high school. I struggled socially in my cliquey school and basically ate my emotions.  It provided a distraction and instant physical comfort.  Now, compulsive/emotional eating is another topic I will discuss at another time, but it gives the background on my experience for this post.  Now, as an adult I have gotten much better at managing my eating impulses, weight, health and working out.  If I hadn't I'd probably be close to 350 lbs at this time, no joke! However, every now and then old habits pop up and I overindulge instead of listening to my satisfaction hunger level cues like I've trained myself to do. Now overindulging looks like an extra 1/2 cup to 1 cup of ice cream instead of trying to conquer an entire half gallon. However, even when this happens rarely, it doesn't stop Hildegard from creeping around the corner and saying things like "you're a failure", "why do you even try if you keep messing up", "you're going to get ugly and super fat", "who would like your body", "you're a pig", "you must be really messed up if you can handle the terrible things you've had in  your life before and you can't you even control this very simple concept of stopping when you've had enough food?" and finally "you'll never ever be successful at your goals" etc.  And this is exactly what Hildegarde was playing over and over again in my head yesterday when I was in the group gym class.  I was also surrounded by mirrors and other skinnier women, which didn't help quiet Hildegarde at all.  When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see the kind, talented, beautiful, smart and loved person I am. I saw my arms which weren't toned enough, my waist which wasn't slim enough and my thighs which were too thick and my booty which wasn't popping enough.  Basically, my self-worth and opinion of myself came down to a superficial measurement of body size which is exactly where Hildegarde wanted me to do.  Basically, I was at a really down point mentally for the day. I felt like quitting and crying.

Now, here comes the 2nd half of my story for the day which is "how to stop Hildegarde".  In  a short sentence it came down to two things: Mindfulness and action. 1) I mindfully acknowledge the presence of Hildegarde and the insults she was throwing at me. 2) I told her that she was no longer welcome with her lies. 3) I replaced her voice with my own saying the opposite of everything she was telling me.  Immediately, once I did those things I felt immediately better.  Even though, Hildegarde may still try to invade my life and steal my self-worth several times a day, I have a weapon to succeed against her each time. So remember, the next time Hildegarde or another ogre tries to invade and steal your self-worth to mindfully acknowledge, tell them they are no longer welcome, and replace their voice with the truth of your own.

When has Hildegarde or her family tried to invade your life and what have your done to combat them successfully?  Would love to hear from you!

The Beginning

Whenever you typically hear someone mention mindfulness you might think of a yogi meditating for hours in nothing but nature. The person who has reached such a state of understanding that they no longer struggle with emotions, feelings, or impulses.  However this is not the case. 

Mindfulness is defined as the following:

1.

the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

"their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"

2.

a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique

 

Or more simply put, it is the moment in which you pause to consider your thoughts, feelings and repercussions before making an action.  It is with this definition that I perceive and try to structure my life to being mindful as much as possible. 

 

This is not my first journey into the blogosphere space.  I was first inspired to write and share my thoughts and experience when encountering a personal tragedy in the fall and summer of 2011.  You can read more about that learning experience here.  I also ran a group blog for an educational trip to western India in Winter 2013. You can also read about that here. After I felt that I had fulfilled and wrote all I needed to write on those subjects, I stopped blogging for over two years.  I felt that I needed to wait until I walked through more of life and learned more before sharing more about my journey, my failures/successes, and the pursuit of what I now know as to be mindfulness.  The purpose of this blog is to be real with my thoughts, learning, experiences, failures and successes.  It is my hope that through what I have learned and experienced, that it might inspire or help at least one person. 

 

The pursuit of balance and mindfulness enters every crevice of my life: emotional, spiritual, physical, relational and professional.  So as I am forming this blog around the pinnacle of mindfulness, there will be a variety of topics that I discuss that mindfulness does relate to in the way they are handled and experienced.  I look forward of sharing my past, present and future journey with you.